I don't like where I am right now. I don't feel happy and I rarely smile.
I cannot say that I hate my job, it is just I don't feel exaggerate anymore. Everything seems delusional. One thing that keeps me here, typical answer, the paycheck.
Don't get me wrong, I like my job, I really do, but somehow this is not what I want for the very beginning.
Technical is not my big thingy.
Satu sebab why I'm in this business is because of my parent.
Tapi aku tetap berterima kasih dengan dorang kalau tak mungkin aku dah hanyut kot.
My dream is,and still a dream, to be a surgeon like Dr. Meredith Grey.
Tapi impian tuh semua dah ke laut dah on the day I signed up to enter technic school. Well my mom, actually.
Kononnya atas dasar tanggungjawab dekat bapak aku yang takde siapa nak tolong company dia (at that time) sebelum company tuh tutup sebab adik dia sendiri songlap duit company sampai tinggal rm5 dalam bank account.
Bila aku dah stuck dengan bidang technical, nak tak nak I have to move on, carrying this unwanted disease on my shoulder. Sampailah aku kerja.
At first it was fun, I had a great team, wonderful colleagues walaupun kadang-kadang menyakitkan hati, bos yang tak kisah how you want to do your works as long as you get it done dan protokol pakaian kerja yang sempoi.
Tapi lama-lama, everything change. Aku dah tak rasa enjoy dan tak rasa dihargai and this feeling somehow killing me from the inside.
Kadang-kadang aku rasa menyesal sebab ikut cakap mama. Kadang-kadang aku rasa bertuah jugak sebab at least aku ada sumber pendapatan yang tetap and I can support her to pay all of her expenses.
Tapi itulah, there is something missing in my mind. Something yang tak pasti, but there a hole needs to be filled before it sinks down into the ocean.
Macam-macam yang aku nak buat. Taking cooking classes so one day I can have my own mini bakery-studio-book-shop, learn how to strumming a guitar and hit piano keyboard so that I can put melodies into my 'geli-geli poem' to tell my other half how much I love him, sewing baju kurung and baju melayu so that I can sew my own baju nikah and his, of course (I don't believe any superstition yang mengatakan tak elok jahit baju kahwin sendiri seolah menjahit kain kapan boohooo), diving and island hoping around malaysia and having a solo expedition to oversea. AND ALL OF THIS NEED MONEY!
Bila dah ada duit, I don't have time to do all of this. Hutang, hutang, hutang and of course time constraint due to workloads.
Aku rasa aku perlukan new environment, new air to breath because currently it is choking me slowly, tapi aku betul-betul tak berani nak ambil the first step or sebenarnya I afraid of changes and afraid to start all over again. Takut.
Pesanan ringkas...
Kepada pasangan yang merancang mahu mendirikan rumahtangga, silalah menabung dari awal untuk bakal anak yang bakal keluar supaya masa depan mereka cerah dan dapat menamatkan pelajaran dengan hati yang tenang dan terbuka. Jangan jadi macam aku, belum ada kerja, hutang ptptn dah menanti. As you know, ptptn is sucks!
2 comments:
hahaha
this is the 1 of best moment durg my sem break. reading yr words sambil melantak cheesetart-x-berapa-nak-jadi.
i am nobody to respond to yr erk..luahan-ketakpuasan-hati..or maybe yr wish, plus i dont even know who u are.
tapi, kita tetap saudara kan =]
nah, cik tanpakompas (hope u'll be ok wit that), bole kan sy cakap sikit. sambil kunyah2 tart ni, bole xcercise sikit.
well, this is common to hear sum1 try to fulfil their parent's, yet some might say they regret to do so. kan. but u simply awesome la, ada dikalangan org2 yg mampu buat sumtin yg hati-meronta2-xsuka =] plus, u did njoy yrself even 'sumtin missing in you', err..i guess =]
ba, do njoy yrslf. YOU NEED NO MONEY to fill up the hole in yr hearts. gugeling & browsing pun cukup. or maybe youtubing, facebooking to get some recipe, playing basic guitar & bla bla bla.. it might work on you. jus try. life is about trial & error, isn't? =]
ptptn suck? ya! ms tym nak byr balik. ms dapat, nikmat x ingat!
eh xbole ckp byk2 la. nt awk plik cik anon ni ntah sape2 nk ckp banyak pulak hehe
p/s: cheesetart-separa-sedap ni pun hasil try n error. nak? hehe
dear anon,
hahahaha thank you for making my day better.
even u totally stranger to me. sy tak expect pun ade readers haha (again)
most of us here believe yg pilihan ibubapa adalah yg terbaik bukan? dan kita kan perlukan berkat mereka. i thnk them for making me who i really am,really, tapi sbg manusia kita semua ada impian tersendiri :)
and demyu for offering me cheese tart and not being able to taste it. ahhh dugaan puasa.
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